


You See Through All My Fears (And That's What Got Us Here)

by sarcasticnotsardonic



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Fear, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Post-3x10, Swimming, dealing with the loss of Magnus' magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-07-14 13:15:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16041206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcasticnotsardonic/pseuds/sarcasticnotsardonic
Summary: “I didn’t even know the Institutehada pool.”“Yeah, well, not all demons stay on land. Anyway, I’ve always wanted to sneak in here late at night.”“What a rebel.”“You have no idea,” Alec says, flicking his eyebrows.  “So, now that I’ve told you one of my secrets, why don’t you tell me one of yours?”Or: Alec and Magnus sneak into the Institute's pool on a night filled with insomnia about a month post-magic loss and have a much needed discussion.





	You See Through All My Fears (And That's What Got Us Here)

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from The Afters _Ocean Wide_.
> 
> There's a bunch of great writers in this fandom who both make me doubt everything about my writing abilities ('cause you're so freaking good!) but at the same time, inspire me to be better. So, thank you.
> 
> Enjoy!

He tosses and turns for what may be the tenth time that night, emitting a small groan.

The clock blinks 1:05.  He’s officially awake. And while he can’t see his face, he’s pretty sure Magnus is, too.

“Magnus,” he whispers, “are you awake?”

“Yeah.”

“I can’t sleep.”

“Neither can I.”

Alec sighs.

“You wanna get out of here?”

Magnus laughs ever so softly. “Alexander, it’s one in the morning. Where do you propose we go?”

“I have a place in mind.”

“Have I told you that you never cease to surprise me?”

“You have, a couple of times. Please, Magnus? I promise it’ll be worth your while.”

Magnus smiles to himself.

“For you, Alexander, I’d go anywhere.”

-

“What is this place?” Magnus asks, filled with bewilderment.

“The Institute’s pool.”

“The Institute has a _pool?_ ”

“An Olympic-sized one at that,” Alec boasts with a small smirk. “This is one of my secrets, something I've always wanted to do," he says stripping down to his boxers and damn, Magnus is enjoying the view. Those legs.

"Be Michael Phelps?"

"Haha, not quite."

Magnus watches as Alec jumps into the pool. When he comes back to the surface, Alec turns around with a big goofy grin.

“Impressive.”

“Eh, it was nothing,” he says with a casual shrug. “Join me? Unless, you don’t know how to swim?”

“Seriously? Me? Alexander, of course I know how to swim.”

“Then why are you still standing there?”

“Hmm. Good question.”

Magnus jumps in beside him, Alec still grinning.

“I didn’t even know the Institute _had_ a pool.”

“Yeah, well, not all demons stay on land. Anyway, I’ve always wanted to sneak in here late at night.”

“What a rebel.”

“You have no idea,” Alec says, flicking his eyebrows.  “So, now that I’ve told you one of my secrets, why don’t you tell me one of yours?”

“What do you mean?” Magnus asks, his wariness meter now pinging.

“You haven’t been sleeping. I know it’s about your magic or the lack thereof. You don’t talk about it, but I feel it. You’re troubled about something.”

“I’m fine.”

“Right,” Alec snorts, “Try again.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters to me.”

“It’s not important, Alexander.”

Alec doesn’t respond. He just stares for a moment, drinking in all of Magnus.

“If _you_ feel it, it’s important to me.”

Magnus sighs.

“You can’t understand.”

“You’re right.  I can’t,” Alec says softly. “But Magnus, maybe I don’t need to _understand_ . I just need to be here for you, but I can’t do that if you won’t - if you don’t...I just need you to _talk_ to me.”

Magnus notes that there’s no harshness in Alec’s tone. No pressure. No accusations.  

_Magnus, I don’t think I can live without you._

That’s just Alec. For better or worse, and thankfully for Magnus, it’s for the better. He says what feels and means it. That’s it. He doesn’t say anything just to say it or because he thinks it’ll curry favor.

He’s young, and still learning, but there isn’t an ounce of ingenuity in his bones. That’s a lot for Magnus to take in and maybe a lot for most people to take in. In Magnus’ experience, the majority of people ooze of insincerity. Sycophants.

But not Alec.

Alec swims closer to him.

“I’m a good listener,” he says, winking.

“You’re a lot of good things, Alec.” Magnus offers a small smile. It’s not a lot, but it’s all he can muster up at the moment. 

He reaches down into the water and laces Alec’s fingers with his own, then leans forward into a kiss.

“Whatever is bothering you, you can’t just sweep this under the rug, Magnus,” Alec tells him when they break apart.

“You’re right. The loft is mostly wood floors.”

“Magnus.”

Magnus moves backwards away from him, until he reaches the wall, and then stops.

“What am I, Alexander? Who am I?”

“You’re Magnus Bane.”

Alec says it with such confidence.

He scoffs. “I don’t know who that is anymore.”

“I do.”

“Oh, you do? Well, that’s good. I’m glad one of us does at least.”

“Magnus.”

“If I’m not a warlock, Alec, then…” he shakes his head “then what could I possibly offer you? Why would you ever want to stay with me?”

“Magnus -

“Just let it go, Alec. Please.”

“No, no. You don’t get to just drop something like that on me and expect me to say _nothing.”_

With tears beginning to fall, all Magnus can manage is a faint “Please.”

“You think I’m only with you because of your magic?”

“No.”

“You do, don’t you? That I’m this shallow Shadowhunter using you for your powers.”

“I don’t.”

“Then if you think that, you must blame me for what happened. I’m the reason, Magnus.”

“It was _my_ decision.”

“It was a reaction to a decision _I_ was making. So maybe I should ask you the same question. Why would you want to be with _me_?”

Damn it. This was exactly why he hadn’t said anything in the first place.

Why can’t Alec let it go? Why does he make it _so_ frustrating? Magnus did what he did and that’s the end of it. If tasked with it all over again, Magnus would do the same thing. No questions asked. No hesitation.

Alec was worth it. He knows that. He _has_ to know that. So, why can’t he just leave well enough alone?

“It’s not the same thing, and you know it.”

“Why? Why is not the same thing? You’re the only one allowed to be vulnerable here, is that it?”

“I never said that.”

“Then why, Magnus? Why would you ask me a question like that?”

“Because I’m fucking _broken_ , okay? I’m broken, Alexander. At least when I had my magic, I could pretend I wasn’t, but without it, I’m just _me_.”

“And what’s wrong with being just you?”

“Everything,” he whispers.

“You’re wrong.”

Magnus shakes his head.

“‘Just you’ saved my life, Magnus. I don’t know if I would have stopped my wedding to Lydia if you hadn’t marched in like you did at the last second.”

“Alexander -

“No, let me finish. Ultimately, it was my call, but you stormed in there, brave, putting it all on the line, even though you had no idea how it would end. Maybe I did walk the path alone, but you showed me the way.”

And then it hits him like a freight train, the answer to his earlier question of why can’t Alec let it go and be content like everyone else was with Magnus’ silence?

Because Alec _isn’t_ like everyone else. He’s unlike anyone else. Magnus had told him this much a few months go.

_You'll blow up the very ground you stand on._

And that's still true, and also very much the point, right? That’s what Alec is doing. This is what Alec does. He digs into the deepest crevices of Magnus' soul wielding his most powerful weapon: his love. There's nothing from his past that scares Alec or deters him.

It's exhilarating and also really fucking frightening. He's just not used to this. He's not sure he'll ever get used to it, this feeling of belonging, of _acceptance_.

But maybe he doesn't have to get used to it; he just has to let Alec love him. Completely. Without reservation.

Alec slowly inches towards Magnus, waiting for his okay to come closer. Magnus nods and then Alec is right before him, cupping the love of his life’s face in his hands.

“You’re not broken, Magnus. You’re a survivor. You’re beautiful.”

“Alexander -

He’s unable to get the rest of his words out as Alec’s lips are on top of his.

When the kiss is over, Alec pulls back, his right hand remaining on Magnus’ soft cheek, wiping away tears.

“I love you.”

“Even when I’m a snotty, sniveling mess?” Magnus asks, chuckling.

“Especially then.”

“I don’t regret it, Alexander. Not for a minute. I could never blame you.”

“I could never not want you.”

“I could never not love you.”

“Hey, that was supposed to be _my_ line.”

“Pfft. You’re not the only hapless romantic here, Lightwood.”

“I’m not?”

“No, you’re not.”

Alec brings Magnus’ hands up to his lips and kisses them, each of his ten fingers, and God, he’d kiss every inch of Magnus’ body if he could. If Magnus allowed him, of course.

“Magnus, I really need you to believe this. I’m in love with you. Your magic is important to me, but only because it’s important to _you_. I don’t care if we have to walk to restaurants or fly somewhere instead of portaling. None of that matters to me. The only thing that matters is that you’re here. With me.”

Well, fuck. How can a guy argue with that?

Maybe just maybe all the pain, all the disappointment, the grief, the loneliness, all the ugliness (his words, not Alec’s) was worth it to get him to this point, to this very moment in time, in a pool with someone who loves him unabashedly, no apologies to be made to the outside world.

To hell with the dissenters that came before and still exist today.

Alec _loves_ him, loves all of him.

Magic or no magic.

Son of a Greater Demon.

Mistakes, oh, mistakes.

In his fanciest outfit or a pair of sweatpants.

Bruised and battered.

Alec loves it all. Wants it all.

“I’m kind of stubborn, you know. You may have to remind me of that a few more times.”

“A million times. I’ll tell you every day if I have to.”

Alec is his buoy in these raging waters, and he wants to be the same for him, too.

“I love you, Alexander.”

“I love you, too, Magnus.”

-

Magnus awakens to kisses on his shoulder.

“Morning, Alexander.”

“Mmmm.”

He feels Alec grip him tightly.

“Did you sleep okay?”

Alec loosens his grip so Magnus can turn around and face him.

“Actually, yeah. I did. For the first time in a long time, I really did.”

“Me too.”

Last night didn’t solve everything, but it was a start. Magnus is still healing. They’re both still healing, and not just from battle wounds, for Magnus lost a part of himself when he lost his powers.

Unfortunately, there are some things in life you don’t ever fully recover from. It wasn’t only about Alec. It would have been far simpler if it were. If that’s all it had been. And they each have their own demons.

They’re more than their relationship, and their love for one another can’t always be the answer, but it’s an aid. A salve. Together they’re the sum of two equal parts. Parallel lines.

“Who would have thought that I would sleep so well at the Institute.”

They had both been too tired to trek back to Brooklyn after their midnight swim rendezvous.

“See, it’s not that bad.”

“No, it’s not, and besides, you’re here.”

-

They dress quickly and walk out into the hallway, hand in hand, when they run into Izzy.

“Hey Magnus. I didn’t know you guys spent the night here.”

“It was kind of a spur of the moment thing.”

Magnus squeezes Alec’s hand.

“Well, I should get going. Isabelle, as always, it was a pleasure to see you, and Alexander, I’ll see you later,” he says, but not without giving Alec a kiss.

“You too, Magnus.”

Izzy observes Alec as he watches Magnus leave.

“What?”

“Nothing. You just must have had a good night.”

“What makes you say that?”

“No reason in particular. Magnus just seems….lighter.”

“Lighter?”

“Happier. I know with everything that’s happened, it can’t be easy, but you both look happy.”

Alec smiles.

“He is. _We_ are.”

“Then I’m happy too,” Izzy says as she lightly pats her brother’s shoulder. “I just have one question.”

“What’s that?”

“Why the hell do you smell like chlorine?”


End file.
